Weather Helmed

For the first time in weeks, I’m up early – well, up at 8:30 which is much earlier than the 10:00+ routine we’ve been in this month.  It’s raining outside and I believe it rained most of the night, and I am cozy in pj pants and Matt’s warm fleece, seated right in front of our tiny space heater 🙂   Perhaps it’s the weather that has made me feel more introspective or maybe it’s the fact that we are approximately 17 days away from departing on our great adventure, but whatever it is, I’m having issues.

What I can’t figure out is why I’m not more scared.**

To say that I “know how to sail” is kind of an exaggeration.  Granted, I know the basics and feel somewhat confident when we’re wandering around the bay, but we haven’t sailed since MAY and I’ve only been out under the Golden Gate on Syzygy once and that was just for a measly single overnight trip.  Beyond some sailing lessons, a few jaunts around the bay and that one overnighter, I have no experience whatsoever on the water.  And yet, I’m not freaking out about this trip.

Part of me says that my apathy calmness is a survival mechanism.  That if I started freaking out NOW, I wouldn’t be able to focus on doing the things that we need to do to get ready for the trip and, be assured, I will certainly freak out the day we leave –  I’m just waiting until it’s *OK* to freak out.  Another part of me (a very small part) suggests that maybe I’m just so awesome and mature and confident, I’ll NEVER freak out because I’m the type of person who just takes everything in stride and accepts it all as the grand plan for my life… yeah, I’m not sure THAT’S the best explanation!!  I also wonder if I’m still somehow in denial?!?!?!  If, on some level, I still can’t believe that this is actually going to happen…  and maybe I won’t freak out until we’re sitting in Mexico somewhere and all of a sudden I start shaking and screaming, “OH MY GOD, WE’RE REALLY HERE! WE’RE REALLY DOING IT!!!  WHAT THE HECK ARE WE DOING?!?!  AAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!”  (or maybe that is just happens when you OD on tequila and tacos??? Hmm…I’ll let you know.)

The thinking that really worries me though, for real, is that, maybe I’m just not as passionate about life as I used to be.  I’ve thought about this a couple of times over the last few years.  Remember in high school and college when emotions were worn on your sleeve? When every event, every day was filled with a myriad of expression?  When good things weren’t just good, they were GREAT AND AMAZING AND AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! and bad things weren’t just bad, they were HORRIBLE AND AWFUL AND OH MY GOD, I THINK I’M GOING TO DIE IF ______ DOES/N’T HAPPEN.  Ok, so perhaps that wasn’t your experience, but it was kind of mine, although, in full disclosure, I may have even been a wee bit more over-the-top dramatic than that…………….

So, is it just maturity or life or depression (or <TMI, I know>birth control?!?) that causes the smoothing out of all those emotions until it takes something of radical significance to make even the slightest dent in one’s armor?  But, even then, I would think that years spent getting rid of most of one’s possessions, quitting one’s job, moving onto a boat, and preparing to head out into the big blue sea would be significant enough to make me feel a bit more SOMETHING.

So, why am I not more worried?  Why am I not more afraid?

And, as for all the various justifications I can come up with, is it just a matter of me choosing which one it is?  “They” say “mind over matter,” so is that what I should do?  Pick the best scenario (me so confident and mature and adventurous!) and then all I have to do is believe that with all my heart and it will be true??  Or is it something deeper and more complicated than that?

If I’m being honest, I know that I am an incredibly fearful person who occasionally has very brave moments.  So, in this situation, am I being brave or just foolishly naive?

** The only reason this bothers me is because I worry about E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. So, the fact that I’m not worrying about THIS is more than a little out-of-character for me.