We left San Francisco on February 10, 2010 with a plan to head south to Mexico and then make the innocently named "puddle jump" to the South Pacific (!!) this spring. From there, who knows?!?!?!? Maybe Fiji? Australia? New Zealand? For now, we're just thrilled to finally be out at sea! 
I have always been a spiritual person. As a child, my parents took me to Catechism and I made my first communion. At home, I held a more informal catechism in my room, offering the Holy Spirit a pea-green lounge chair purchased for $5 from a neighbor’s garage sale, and quizzing my friends on Bible stories. Eventually, my family moved away from the Catholic church and began attending non-denominational Christian services. I don’t recall noticing the change too much because Jesus was still the same and AWANAS was way more fun than reciting Hail Marys.
My spiritual passion was really unleashed during high school, perhaps taking the place of all those other things teenage girls are generally consumed by. I had my fair share of crushes, it’s true, but I was seriously devoted to the eternal Lover of my Soul, my Lord. I spent summers roaming the streets proclaiming the gospel, and I was at my church (Southern Baptist by that time) five to six days a week, being mentored by my pastors and worshipping til my body was no longer capable of containing the joy I felt, so I had to go home. In college, my faith continued to grow through Intervarsity Bible study groups and retreats. I began visiting other churches, looking for more ways to express myself in worship and seeking new ministers who could touch my heart.
I look back on those days and remember my feelings of purposefulness, joy, hope, love, contentment… As happens to so many, though, after college, real life took over: I moved cities, had personal troubles, and I lost the community of love and support that had made being a Christian so easy. Although I struggled to retain my strong faith and confidence in God, doubts, fears, and the unexplained unfairnesses of life ate away at what was left of me and, today, only a shell remains of that once-believed-indestructible faith.
My teenage years were really the childhood of my faith. And as in a normal childhood, I developed certain opinions and understandings about God and Christianity. One of the most difficult issues I face now is reconciling who I am today with who I was back then and what I knew about being a Christian.
Because of my life experiences over the last ten years, my views about the world, who we are, how we should live, all of these have changed. I cannot be the same Christian I was back in college. I know, too, that no one, least of all God I’m sure, expects me to be that way. But, the problem is – I don’t know how to be any other way. The only way to be a Christian that makes sense to me is to be the passionate door-knocking, Bible-devouring praying fiend who teaches and attends Sunday school, sings in the choir, hosts an in-home bible study, and listens only to Christian music on the radio. Anything short of this and I feel guilty – like I’m giving or doing less than I should.
What I long for, though, what I desperately long for is that old, familiar sense of being right with God – of walking with joy, hope, assurance, peace; of having that anchor for my soul; of being part of a greater plan and having meaning and purpose in this life; of feeling content and alive in my deepest, darkest corners.
At this moment, I AM happy – most of all in my relationship with Matt – but no one, I mean, no one, would ever mistake my happiness for joy or faith. My behavior and my language is worse than that of my unbelieving colleagues, my anger and gossip nearly out of control, my lack of warmth and compassion towards my family and friends, tangible.
I don’t know how I got this way.
But I do.
When you abandon your source of water, you dry up; when you abandon your source of food, you starve.
I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I want to try to rediscover my seat at the table.
Hey, I think I might finally be useful to someone! I may have just the ticket for you, and it may surprise you.
Like you, have spent lots of my life reading and re-reading the Bible. Like you, am a lawyer.
Have experienced much of the same feelings spiritually, including the tendency toward either being “hyper-Christian” (my word for it) or “backslidden” Baptist word.
An organized theology is a big help. Would love to talk to you about Calvinism. If you’re like me, you learned to ridicule the Puritans in 10th or 11th grade English class. But that is really a shame, because they were not, and are not, the cartoon characters people make of them.
Most of the American Protestant world is taken over by Arminianism. It was the only kind of Christianity I knew until half way through law school. But it isn’t the only alternative, and parts of it don’t make sense to unbelievers, because 1) It doesn’t make sense, in fact; and, 2) It’s not consistent with what the Bible actually says, when taken as a whole.
There’s just more to it than I can type, but I think you would really like it if you tried it. Or if you think you would never be into thinking much about the old thinkers of the Reformation, maybe you can just hear a preacher who seldom mentions Calivinism itself, but who is heavily influenced by it: Alistair Begg, of Truth For Life. You can hear his sermons on the internet. I have listened to him preach for years with a pretty critical ear, and I have seldom found anything incorrect or unbiblical in anything he says from the pulpit. (hahahahaha I give him my imprimatur, like I’m the Pope of Protestants.
Anyway, please think about it. You can call me, too, if you want. I’m in San Diego. (858) 663-7286.
Hi Steve~ Thanks for your comment. I’ve actually had a lot of exposure to “organized theology” but I appreciate your thoughts. I will look into that site you mentioned 🙂 Thanks for sharing!