Weather Helmed

To say that I have spring fever at work is an understatement!  To say that I have it at home also makes me laugh.  I just cannot focus on anything these days.  The reality that our life is about to change significantly feels too overwhelming sometimes.  I’m excited about the change, but also sad and confused when I think back to what we’ve given up these last couple of years in order to make this trip happen.  Actually, the worst part is that we’ve given up so much that wasn’t necessary for us to give up.  Several friendships fall into that category.

Our life is becoming more and more one-dimensional, yet it’s funny how we still seem busy as usual and have too many conflicting priorities to really feel productive when doing anything.  If we can’t even allow ourselves a break when we only have ONE BIG THING going on, how are we going to manage when life starts overflowing??  I try to remind myself that it’s ok for now – we have a big goal, big tasks to accomplish, a big journey to begin.  Therefore, it’s ok that we haven’t spent weekends out with friends or making sure parents get birthday gifts on-time… it’s ok that I don’t call people to say a real “hello” and instead simply rely on facebook updates to see how they’re doing…  it’s ok that I have no friends (outside of work) other than those I knew when I first moved back here two and a half years ago…

On the eve of an incredible opportunity that has such great potential to be amazing in every way, there is part of me that wonders whether I’ve truly lived these last three years.  I talk about and think about how I really want to live life to the fullest and not take my time here on earth for granted, but what have I *we* been doing??  I assume that those friendships I’ve let fall by the wayside will still somehow be there when I return.  I assume that our friends and family will continue to support us and love us without getting any tangible returns on their generosity.  I assume that all those things we’ve missed out on here will still be part of our future somewhere else.

Matt and I have talked about this before – how much present happiness do you sacrifice for a future reward?  We are taught as children to appreciate delayed gratification and that, most of the time, delayed gratification is so much better than grabbing the experience immediately.  But, as you get older, I think the stakes get higher…  You realize that your reward is not as “guaranteed” as it once seemed to feel.  The consequences of delaying can be far more harmful to you than partaking in the reward as soon as the moment presents itself.

There are days when I am so excited about the adventures that lie ahead, and then there are days when I miss what could have been…  today is one of those days.